I completely forgot about this thing

I'd meant to update at least weekly but the past year has been so chaotic that I forgot I even made this blog.  We'll see if I remember to update it more often.

I am awake at 5am watching a marathon of Veronica Marrs.

beacuse I can't sleep because I hurt and if I take won't make me hurt pills I will seriously sleep until 6 or 7pm.
which I feel causes massive resentment from the people I'm staying with (which may be all in my head) and I start pushing myself to do more as each day passes.  Yet lack of sleep just makes most of which is wrong with me worse as my muscles don't get a change to regenerate.

Have I mentioned that I HATE THIS ILLNESS?

sorry there have been no updates recently

but doing some RL stuff and the pain/sleep cycle I've gotten behind on this blog.
Starting up a Chill campaign and playing AD&D again.  When almost immobile, pull out the things you enjoy that don't hurt too much to do. I need a bed I can fold away so I can sleep somewhere other than the couch or maybe a double height twin air mattress that I can deflate in the mornings.  I think this couch is what's causing or at least aggravating my hips and lower back.  ROFL the Julia Needs A Bed Fund donations can go to my paypal. gipsydreamer@gipsydreamer.com. (I'm actually not serious, I know funds are tight for everyone and an abandoned and hurt person doesn't tug the heart strings like and an abandoned and hurt animal.
Crap, see, now I've gone all morbid.

Gonna take my night night drugs and go to sleep.

tonight I wanna die or at least I feel like I am

 My muscles ache, I forgot my morning meds because I slept through when I should have taken them. I fell getting out of the tub and had to have help getting out. I'm bruised all over because my balance is going.  I think I need more intensive care than the clinic here can provide.  I think  I have also developed a kidney infection. as that's where my back hurts and oh god does it hurt so bad..  I don't know what to do, I can't afford the ER and  I can't afford a non-free clinic doctor.  I feel like I'm dying as it is.  :(  help me? even if it's only prayers. Where is the help for people like me? The invisible ones, that fall between the cracks in the system?

Don't be afraid, come right on in! I won't bite...much

I started this as a place to freely express how my body feels on a day to day basis, however, I know you're out there and maybe a little scared to talk to me in comments. I won't glom on I promise, I don't even expect a omg I'm so sorry honey on each post but I kinda feel like I'm talking to myself,

If you are a fellow sufferer of any of this mess, please speak up, the lonely feeling is the worst of them all.

If you are a loved one of someone with any of this going on and you just want perspective or even to vent, feel free to speak up but honor my wish that this be a safe space and keep it polite, we may all learn something from each other here.

If you're just stopping by or landed her by accident, feel free to look around and say hi and maybe take your shoes off and stay a while.

Pain update for today, drowsy with a chance of clumsy, this balance and dry-mouth issue need to be addressed asap. everything is still sore

peace,

Jules

real pain post (I know, I know no witty title today) be warned there may be whining involved

here we go

• Shooting pain down my arms and legs all this week
• Joint aches in my fingers, hands themselves, wrists, elbows, hips, (omg my hips) lower back ankles and feet
• What I can only describe as 'splintering' pain up my shins in the front
• exhaustion on a level that scares me, getting up to go to the bathroom and getting back has become an event. three-four tries to get up, catch my breath and my balance, go pee, wash hand, stop by the kitchen and grab something to eat and drink because god forbid I have to make this trip again any time soon. By that point my body is screaming at me and I'm in tears as I collaspe to the couch, panting for breath.
• oh and last but not least, the water retention along with severe dry mouth.

This is an everyday occurrence for me multiple times a day, The drugs aren't helping, the main stressors in my life are things I can do nothing about and lack of my own car keeps me trapped here. I need new friends and more positive energy around me.

Some Times It Hurts So Much To Love

This past week has been hell, I need about 3 tries to get up off the couch and I can hear/feel my knee joints grinding together. I have two molars that have broken open to the nerve and hurt constantly, but no one here does charity dental work. So I'm stuck for a lack of about 80.00. My ex, who I won't name by name in this blog has decided that he is parking my domains for my make up and jewelry business and that if I want him to keep hosting them I need to pay him 200.00 a year for each one and that I need to do so by the end of this month. He know I have no income and since I was honest and told DSHS that after he kicked me out I've been spending most of my time in Oregon. I'm waiting for an answer from my ssi appeal but I think I may have to refile. I am flaring so bad, it takes me 3-4 tries to get up off the couch and I am winded and almost crying in pain. I don't know what resources are out there for me but I need to find something. Living on Kris & Johns sofa can't last forever. I need my own space and prove to myself that this Illness isn't controlling me. The ex called me a thief and a liar because I called him on his own crap. Someone told me I should put a fundraiser button up that links to my paypal but I'm too proud and I know money is hard for everyone right now. I want to combine the make up & the jewelry and combine them under one name. I can get hosting service for 42.00 a year that does the exact same thing that the ex did with out the guilt and the stress that triggers the flare up.

I was going to post the email exchange between us but i figure y'all don't need that.

good night everyone.